Hopefully the fertility story only has 3 more chapters..here's Chapter 3!
Chapter 3
My initial IVF meeting with the nurse took 3 hours. It took so long b/c IVF is such an involved process, it's overwhelming to say the least. I left the office in tears. There was no way I was going to be abe to do this. It required visits to the office every two days, if not daily, for two weeks. How in the world was I supposed to be a new teacher in a new school and pull this off? There's no way! Again, my cheerleaders, my mother and Billy, said, "we can do it, someway, somehow, we can do it." I ended up telling my principal about my plans and she was fine with my absence. Again, God's bigger plan was always working. When I got the job the summer before, I actually wanted another job that called 5 minutes after my principal now. I went with Irondale because they called first and they have been such a blessing through the hardest time of my life. Thank you Lord for your hand in all things! The secretary at our school took my children and kept them for anywhere from 15-45 minutes, until I could make it to school after my 7:00am appts. Everyday! Again, WHAT A BLESSING! No one ever questioned me and it made things SO much easier.
Ok, so I had started the IVF process and I could do it after all. I don't know why I didn't learn by now, but again, I thought, THIS will work. I mean, they are taking my eggs out, fertilizing them, and then putting them back in. There is NO way this won't work. I went through all the shots, and all the ultrasounds. Everything was going beautifully. Retrieval day was finally upon us! Very exciting! Billy and I went in, I was taken to surgery and they ended up retrieving 7 eggs. At the time we thought this was pretty good, but in actuality it was a low response. Probably due to too much suppression (Lupron). I forgot to mention, before the IVF process even begins, you are thrown into a drug enduced menopause. Scary! That's the "suppression" part of the process. The next part of the IVF process is grueling. It's the waiting game. You wait on a phone call everyday, initially to tell you if the eggs ever fertilized normally. In the 4 days after that, you wait to hear if they are still growing or if they in fact died overnight. Talk about stress when the phone rings! We were very blessed, 100% fertilized normally and ALL 7 embryos made it to day 5! It was really unheard of...a wonderful response as far as the embryos were concerned. We were on cloud 9. Transfer day came and oh the excitement! Dr. Houserman (my Dr.) did my transfer, and in her words, "it went beautifully." Billy, of course, was by my side and Dr. Houserman grabbed our hands after it was over and said, "Well, I think you just got pregnant!" Of course, we did too! Everything had gone perfectly. On our way out, the nurse gave us a picture of our transferred embryos and a stuffed bear with an ART (Alabama Reproductive Technology) t-shirt on. "It's the baby's first gift, from us, of course," she said. I thought it was a little hokey, but at the same time thought, wow, it IS the baby's first gift, I'll treasure it ALWAYS. It will be such a great story for our child.
So the dreaded 2WW (2 week wait) began. I began to analyze every twinge, every feeling. In the wait, we also learned they were able to freeze one of my embryos. Wonderful! Future baby, I thought. We finally made it to the beta test day. I was so nervous, exited, but nervous. Again, I was at school and kept coming back to my cell phone to check if the nurse had called. No call. I waited, no call. 3 o'clock came, no call. Finally, about 3:30, the nurse called and informed me the number again was a 9. Neither negative, nor positive. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! This time my mother, becoming rather callosed to the situation as well, was not as positive about the outcome. It would most likely be another miscarriage. I went in a couple of days later to re-test and the number had actually fallen to 6. It ended up being a chemical pregnancy. A negative.
I was crushed. It's hard to even think back to the days that followed. I was inconsolable, I felt crazy. It didn't help that in what would be the baby's room, sat the STUPID stuffed bear from the Dr. I immediately got it and stuffed it in the trash, along with all my used needles, and unused medicine. I know I shouldn't have disposed of the needles that way, but I had to get rid of the reminders. The next morning was a Tuesday, trash day. Billy had taken the trash to the street like he always does. It was raining when I left for school and as I pulled out of the driveway that STUPID bear was wet and lying in the street. I know this is crazy, but I started laughing, I was so glad it was cold and wet....so I continued to run over it with my car. Needless to say, the drugs from IVF make you a little crazy.
I couldn't talk to anyone but my mother and Billy. I was inconsolable. My best friends were worried, but I just couldn't face anyone. My mother took me to our cabin in Mentone that weekend. I think that is all I could have done. We cried A LOT. I'm crying now just thinking about it. But, Mentone is such a healing place. I know God is in that place, there's something Holy about it. I was comforted that weekend by the peace of God and of Mentone. Mom, of course, bought me anything I looked at. She was crushed as well and we held on the each other.
Looking back on it now, the reason I was so incredibly crushed was the hope that had been building ever since I decided to jump in and do Invitro. I know I knew IVF could in fact fail, but I guess I never accepted that fate for myself.
Until now, I had been somwhat ambivilant about my relationship with God through this struggle. As with any extreme adversity, I finally turned to Him for help. I hate it took this long for me to realize or that I had to hit rock bottom before I finally realized I needed our Lord, but it did and now I was in desperate need of His peace. I prayed and prayed and prayed. Mostly I prayed for Him to just be with me, heal me, make me whole again. Of course, I questioned Him as well, but the whole time, I trusted He had a bigger plan for me. I prayed for the strength to endure it. My favorite verse became Isiah 41:10 -- "Fear not, for I am with you...." I would repeat it to myself over and over again during the day and night.
After my 1st IVF, I met and started an email friendship with Danielle. She had recently lost her first baby at 20 weeks due to pre-term labor and other complications. Although our stories were so different, our pain was so deep and we connected over it. She made such a difference in my life at that point. We often spoke about our relationship with God and where it was going or what we should be feeling, etc. Talking and emailing out those feelings was very cathartic and inspirational for both of us. I think we drew strength from God and each other during that time. My friends were such a God-send as well. They worked to keep me busy and my mind occupied. I thank God for my sweet friends. I dare say some of those "pity" parites and trips were some of the most fun we've ever had (and that's hard to do with our group!) Love you girls!
At the time, I started to believe I was doing something (or had done something) to deserve this pain. Why me? Was I not deserving? I came to realize, or rather believe, that God allows things to happen to us in order to mold or shape the person we are supposed to be. This struggle changed me. It molded me and Billy into the parents we are supposed to be. It must be so hard for God to allow us to endure such pain, all the time, knowing He has great things in store. I guess that's the biggest lesson from it all -- there is a plan, as cliche as it may be, it's true.
We rested and tried to prepare ourselves for yet another round of IVF.....chapter 4 next.
2 comments:
Oh how I remember chapter 3. I just knew in my heart you were pregnant. We would finally be pregnant together! Your heartache came early. My second blow would follow a few months later. Tough days my friend. How blessed to have had each other!!
I am so thrilled to hear today's appt went well! Perfect babies sound good to me!!
I remember Chapter 3, too. I remember my heart aching when you didn't call me, you just sent me a text message (when you said you couldn't talk to anybody). My heart has always been with you.
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