Since we had invested in the 2-round IVF package at ART in Birmingham, we still had another IVF to go. After a couple of months of recovery, we geared up for another IVF. I went through all the shots and ultrasounds. This time they retrieved 18 eggs! A much better response than the first round. I ended up having 12 embryos make it to the transfer day. We felt like we were rich with embryos! They transferred the best 2 and we left, this time refusing the complimentary bear. After the transfer, we learned none of our "left over" embryos made it to freeze. This left just the one frozen embryo from the first round of IVF. During the 2WW, I let myself believe it just may have worked this time. I also kept my wits about me and I knew it could go either way, a negative was a probable outcome as well. The beta test day came and I got a call in the afternoon. It was negative. I was much better equipped to deal with the news this time. Of course, I was so upset, mostly because, I thought, wow, I really may never be a mother. I had been through 2 failed IVFs. Does that ever happen? I had to start rethinking my life. What next? Adoption? I was pretty lost.
After our 2st IVF, I needed our Lord, I reached out to Him, I held Him close. It was so comforting to know He was there and I drew peace from it. For the 2nd IVF, I started to make Him promises, I thought I knew what He was trying to show me. I had a clear view of the life I was meant to lead and the family I was meant to raise in Him. I got it! I was prepared. I prayed regularly and told Him about my vision for my future and that I was prepared now for this child, finally for my family. So after the 2nd IVF came back negative, I was SO confused. Why had He let me down again? I know what I am supposed to do , who I'm supposed to be. Why would He do this? I struggled with these questions over the days that followed our 2nd negative result. At this point, I was worn out. I had been poked and prodded and I felt like a pin cushion, not to mention my spirit was crushed.
Of course, we did still have 1 frozen embryo from our 1st IVF. Could this really be our miracle? We had one last chance and holding on to hope, I started to believe, that embryo was going to be our child.
Every time you do an IUI or IVF, you have to wait a month in between starting any new protocol. So, since our last negative, I had been relaxing, meeting my friends for dinner and wine and enjoying not being pregnant the best I could. About 2 weeks later, I got up on a Friday morning and got ready for school. It was SAT week and this was the last day! We work all year to get these 3rd graders ready for their 1st SAT experience. It's a big milestone and basically signals the end is near! After I was ready, I sat down to eat a bowl of cereal and I felt a sharp pain in my side. At the time, it was nearly 2 weeks after my negative IVF result and I thought, well, this must be normal ovulation pains. I felt the sharp pain again and all the sudden I couldn't finish my cereal. I was nauseous and ran to the bathroom. In the bathroom I doubled over in pain. I could barely walk, but I got to Billy and woke him up. For the next few minutes, Billy was on the phone with my mother and I was trying to figure out a way to get to school. I HAD to be there. There are state laws that require the teacher to be present during SATs, etc (I found out later it just has to be a certified teacher). When the pain would pass, I could stand up finally and I thought --ok, I'm better. I called school and told them what was going on. Of course, they told me NOT to come in, but I was trying anyway. When I hung up the phone, the pain got so much worse. I told Billy something was wrong and we got in the car and headed to my fertility Dr's office at the hospital. I called on the way and told the nurse I thought I was having some sort of post reaction to the IVF drugs, maybe a hyper stimulation in my ovaries. My right side was KILLING me and making me so nauseous.
When we arrived, they took me immediately to a room. The nurse did an ultrasound and my ovaries looked normal. No hyper stimulation, as I had thought. There was, however, some fluid behind my right ovary. The nurse said it looked like an appendicitis. Well, that's just great. On top of everything else I've had to go through, I would have to have surgery! I couldn't believe it, but I was relieved to know that's all it was. The lab tech came in to take my temperature and confirm a fever (a classic sign of appendicitis). I had no fever. This was very confusing to everyone. So, the nurse came in and said they would have to take blood to know for sure what was happening. It sill never dawned on me, what they were actually doing. I had the blood work done and they moved us to another room to wait. We waited and waited. I was in terrible pain, but Friday is surgery day for the Dr.s and they were all tied up. The nurse would not give me any information and they said a Dr. would have to see me. After a couple of hours, Dr. Houserman came in the room. She said, in a very soothing voice, "the blood work came back and the beta is 416." What!!!!???? Beta? Who ever tested my beta numbers and why? I'm not pregnant, we proved that 2 weeks ago with a negative beta test after my IVF. So now all the sudden my heart almost came out of my chest as I thought -- I'm pregnant!!! Dr. Houserman continued to explain it was an ectopic pregnancy. With the beta numbers that low, 4 weeks after the IVF transfer, there's no way it's a viable pregnancy.
I turned my face from her as she explained and I started to cry. I never do this in public and never in front of the doctor, but I was in shock and devastated. Billy came over to the bed immediately when he saw me crying. He was so confused, he didn't know what she was telling us, but I did. She informed me I would need emergency surgery that day and the nurse would be in to take me to the OR soon. She quickly left and Billy held me while I fell apart. All I was thinking is -- I'm pregnant right now, this is the most I've ever been pregnant. Not since the failure of the 1st IVF had I been so inconsolable. I tried, through my broken breaths to explain to Billy what was happening. He got so angry (at the situation, not me!). He was so worried all day.
The nurse came and put me in a wheelchair and we went down to be prepped for surgery. By this point, my mother was on her way. I waited an eternity, which my sister let everyone know was very dangerous in my situation. Apparently an ectopic can rupture and people have died from complications before. Of course, they weren't telling me this, but in hindsight, I could see the fear on my mom, sister and Billy's faces while we waited. Finally they took me back. The surgery went well and Dr. Houserman did not have to remove my fallopian tube. The ectopic was sitting on the outside of the ovary and tube and was able to easily be removed.
I was home by 6pm, stunned by what had taken place that day. I sent my mother home (after much convincing). After all, I had been through this surgery (laproscapy) with my endometriosis surgery and I knew what to expect. Marty came and spent the night and tried to keep my mind off the day's events. The pain pills helped too I guess.
Needless to say, in the weeks that followed, I felt completely lost. An ectopic pregnancy resulting from an IVF has a less than 1% chance of happening. Why would God allow this to happen to me? I already had my negative result and it was almost like He was throwing salt on the wound. I started to get angry. Angry at the situation and angry at Him for allowing it to happen. I didn't care anymore. I wanted nothing to do with talking about infertility or what I was going to do next. I was DONE.
1 comment:
Corey - You look soooo cute prego...not surprising! I didn't know you had a blog. Yeah how fun. When are you due again? I am soooo thrilled for ya'll.
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